This morning and yesterday, I have felt broken, unable to be what I want to be. This Covid 19 crisis demands so much. I’ve been struggling to fulfil my own expectations of my role in it. I want to walk this desperate and difficult journey carrying a message of hope. I want to be loving and creative. I want to “do it right,” whatever “right” is. I walk down the street, and I see special unique signs in windows that give support to our front-line workers in this pandemic. Immediately my conscience yells, “Why didn’t you think of that? Why aren’t you doing that?” I open my computer and read of people bringing food to shut-ins. “Again, my inner dialogue cuts in, “Why am I not doing that? The internet gives me others’ uplifting messages, poetry, cartoons, all designed to give hope. “Why haven’t I done that?”
I fight back, defensive. “I’m doing a little. I’m preparing meals for my family, one of whom is a front line mental health care worker. I am social distancing conscientiously. I’m contacting my grieving sister daily, praying for and calling friends I can’t visit.” All my self-talk is interrupted with, “That’s not enough! You could be writing a blog everyday. Do more!”
In the midst of my litany of self-abuse, God has offered me healing knowledge. My morning reading from Upper Room’s “Daily Discipline” talks of feeling like a broken vessel, not good enough, failing. “That’s me,” I thought. I read further.
“The Japanese have a practice of repairing broken pottery with a metallic compound that adds glimmer to the repaired vessel. It’s called Kingsugi which means ‘gold repair’ and turns a cracked pot into a vessel veined with gold.”
My response? A smile and gratitude. I felt God’s acceptance of my feelings. My heart opened to this new knowledge, a process that will heal and honour my brokenness instead of hiding or denying it.”
Today, I will trust that God’s healing of our broken images of ourselves will always be Kingsugi healing. Our scars may remain long after Covid 19 is gone, yet they will glimmer in our heart always.
God offers healing for our perceived failures, but so much more than just healing. God brings forth in us a new vessel veined with God so that by our wounds we can bring healing to others. I trust that today, the story of God’s healing of my perceived failure to measure up, will bring Kingsugi healing for some of you.